So, this morning, I got up at seven am, not grudgingly, without even being asked, so that I could help my mom move some stuff to her new apartment. I guess I half expected to be patted on the head and told what a good daughter I was (It's kind of a mistake to expect a good guy badge for certain things), and she did seem happy that I was there.

But later on my sister got there and was also helping, and after that the three of us went to lunch, and my mom made a point of telling me I was very smelly. I'm sorry, but I had just spent all morning lifting heavy boxes, having mom be sharp with me here and there throughout the day, if I sweated a little, I'm sorry. My sister gets there, does about half of what I did, and my mom is sweet and deferential towards her. Not that I expect her to kiss my ass, but I don't think she realizes how mean and nasty she is to me. After we got home she was even more cutting and insulting.

Part of this I know is just the whole tension of the experience of having to leave, and me having tension about her leaving. I want this to be over so we can all move on with our lives. In a weird way, she is acting as though she is going to continue to have control over everything in our house (granted, STILL half her house even though she is moving) from her apartment 8 miles away.

Her attitude towards me is as cold and denigrative sometimes as it is towards my dad, who is on the hook for things he did and said before I was even born. I feel like she looks at us both as complete slobs who will just bury ourselves in our own shit without her stabilizing influence.

I also think that four months or so down the line (she had mentioned something today about being on a six month lease, so how permanent her residency is questionable), she will come to my dad and say "If you clean things up, I will come home." But part of the reason he's not throwing a hissycow over this is because she's done this before, and she spent 3 months in an apartment, and according to him, she was running out of money and begged him to come home (it may not have gone down exactly like this.) He will have been looking at the fact that this is a $1000+ a month drain on the finances, even if it is her money that she worked for, and he may not see her coming home this time as the glittering prize for being a good boy. Not that he's pure as the driven snow.

Basically, I am just venting steam here, because having said all of these things, I really love them both and we get along well most of the time. I am just sort of caught in the middle, wanting to keep things smoothed over so that there is as little drama over this as possible. I've been trying to reinforce the positives of the situation to each of them, I guess because when they get frustrated with things, they tend to take their anger out on me.

One of the interesting things about my mom, my sister and me is how we can be at each other's throats one minute, and a few minutes later be picking apart the faults and pecadillos of some other (not present) family member. The saving grace of our family is we sort of all have the ability to communicate, even though they all make me feel like pulling my hair out at times.

Card of the Day: The Empress. The waters from behind the High Priestess flow freely behind her. There is a wisdom here that is higher than my wisdom. The mystery of the Great Mother, of the All-Nurturing Energy, is something I need to lay hold of. I think of Sigourney Weaver in the first Alien movie, talking to the ship's computer(which was named Mother), saying "Mother, you BITCH!!!" But the ship's computer doesn't reply, it just keeps counting off. One must continue to learn, even in the face of conflict. The character of Ripley goes on to become the strong mother figure, protecting and defending the innocent ones she loves. The mother ship destroyed, it is as if she takes it into herself, suceeding in its mission--to persevere and survive, even as she rebels against its own self destruction. It is that alchemical communion of dividing and uniting that seems to allow the transformation to take place.